Groningen Gets You Wet

From the calming canals to the stroopwafels, there is a lot to enjoy about the Netherlands. But I still have one big complaint: the rain.

The sunny moments are there sometimes, but it’s rare to go a day without seeing some rain.

It may not be hard rain, it may not be sustained rain, but it’s ever-present rain. No matter how the skies seem when you leave home, you’ll probably get caught in it at some point.

While drying myself off one day, I began to think about how engineering-savvy the Dutch are. They can split ocean from sea, make houses walk on water, and act cool about doing it. With such ingenuity, it’s hard to understand why these great minds haven’t yet figured out a man-made way to deal with the rain.

Surely some bright Dutch scientist can’t be that far off from a breakthrough. But if it helps, perhaps a few suggestions might point them in the right direction:

Cheap Disposable Wetsuits

One solution is the creation of flexible, lightweight wetsuits that can be thrown on before the morning commute. Just put it on over your clothes, your jacket, your dress, whatever. You could bike to school in a monsoon and only your eyes would feel the horror.

Park your bike, lock it up, strip off that wetsuit like Arnold in True Lies and boom! you’ve arrived dry as a bone. Sometimes in a tuxedo.

Arnold True Lies GIF

The P. Diddy solution

If you have the means, this is truly the most stylish way to go. Why worry about rain when you’ve got your very own man-butler to follow you around, pop the umbrella, and always have sandwiches nearby.

There are several starving students, this author included, who would gladly follow a rich Dutch aristocrat about town, umbrella in hand, if it meant a couple extra euros in the pocket.

P Diddy umbrella man servant, rain

Dr. Suess bike umbrellas

Somewhere in the works of Dr. Suess lie the blueprints for a game-changer.

I’m talking about bicycles, which in the presence of rain, unleash an umbrella held up by a wonky metal arm with white gloves. The umbrella moves as you move, it rhymes whimsical gibberish the entire time, and keeps you dry.

Government Subsidized Jacuzzi Suits

Cause when you’re in a Jacuzzi suit, it doesn’t matter if it’s raining.

 

Dr. No–style weather control machine

Surely there’s some scientist in the Netherlands who’s just a little bit evil and hell-bent on world domination. Maybe he kind of looks like Blofeld? Probably sounds like him too.

Charles Gray blofeld, Dutch, Netherlands

Charles Gray: the most Dutch-looking of all Blofelds

The plan here is to find him, hire him, then let him tinker with his experiments all he wants, so long as the country is free of rain. Watch as he controls the weather to his advantage, then goes power mad before a final showdown with Bond.

The sun may get blocked out for a couple of days here and there, we’ll likely lose a couple of anonymous henchmen, but at least we’ll be dry.

Amphibian DNA-splicing

This one’s the craziest of the lot, but hear me out.

No doubt that anyone who’s ever lived in Groningen has thought about starting some innocent, ethically-borderline research into whether or not the creation of frog-people is possible.

And once the discoveries are made, would it really be that much of a sacrifice to take an injection that turns you into a half man / half frog creature for the rest of your life? Think about how comfortable you would be in the wintertime.

It’s just an option. And the more of those the better, I say.

frog man, Dutch, rain, rain solutions, Netherlands

I could live with this

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This entry was posted in January and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Groningen Gets You Wet

  1. Janhanson says:

    why am I just seeing this now! hilarious

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