Needless to say, everyone can get behind killing zombies. But not enough of us, especially those in power, are fully willing to admit it. Myself, I’m thinking about running for office and making zombie-cide – that’s the murder of zombies – completely legal in this country.
Now, these business-as-usual politicians we got in the capital may not have anything against legal zombie killing. Hell, some of them may actually support it, and I’m sure others have even killed a zombie or two in the past. But not one of them has the courage and conviction to finally come forward and admit: Killing zombies is really fun and kind of awesome.
Let’s face it – it’s perfectly harmless, since zombies are already dead. And let’s not overlook the health benefits. Zombie killing could be used as stress relief for therapeutic means, which would put less of a strain on our health care resources.
Still not sold? How about this: if we don’t kill them, they will spread their undead ways with a rapid fury. Before you know it, you’ll wake up one morning and the country you once loved will have a totally different makeup – one that includes a significant zombie population.
Do you really want your children to grow up with a visible zombie majority?
We all know that the spread of zombie culture must be stopped before it ingrains itself into the fabric of our society. But, why won’t any of these politicians throw their unwavering support behind the legality of the issue. You and I, and all our friends and families, and all of those fat-cat politicians … we all know that it’s important to murder zombies as soon as we encounter them.
But what about that middle-class Joe who, after a hard day at work, is driving to pick up his kids from school. And he wants to do his duty, help his country, and run over that zombie he sees staggering down Main Street clamoring for fresh brains … but he can’t – because he doesn’t know if he will subsequently be punished by the police force, taken away from his wife and children, fired from his job, and ostracized by his neighbours. He doesn’t know if it’s acceptable anymore to murder any and all zombies he stumbles upon. He’s confused. Because he’s getting mixed signals from his government.
I’d be willing to come out on Day 1 of my campaign and declare that I fully support the total inhalation of all zombie-kind by any means preferred.You wanna use a gun? Fine! You wanna use a shovel? Fine. You wanna use your grandmothers wooden leg? Not a problem. You wanna go hand-to-hand combat against a zombie? I don’t recommend it, you probably won’t win, but it’s your god-given right as a citizen to do so if you choose.
And all of it will finally be legal, allowing our local police to worry about real problems in society, instead of being forced to persecute citizens that have done nothing wrong and just want to enjoy a nice zombie kill at the end of a tough day.
Yes, the joy of zombie destruction transcends colour, creed, age, and socioeconomic status. All people can get behind this issue, and all can recognize its importance. Not only do I intend to make it a pillar of my campaign, I want to make it the strongest pillar of all.
Because we deserve a safe place for our children to grow, and guilt-free zombie rampages for all.