Lawyers wear law suits.

Justice has nothing to do with what goes on in a courtroom; Justice is what comes out of a courtroom.
.– Clarence Darrow

Finding it hard to meet interesting people in a new city? Bored of the bar or the club scene? Need some peace and quiet? Have you thought about courthouses as the answer to all of these questions?

Before you scoff, think about it for a moment. You get to dress up nice, have some quiet time to read or sketch or write, and most people will just think that you’re the press. Though – this endeavor is not without its danger. And that’s what I’m here to talk to you about today.

Here’s some of the advice I have accumulated:

  • Water bottles don’t go off in a metal detector, so they can also be filled with the long drink of your choice, to keep that suspense of the trial alive!
  • Don’t shout out LAWYERED! when a prosecutor pulls a McCoy. Or cheer when an “Objection!” is sustained. They’ll just get the bailiff to throw you out.
  • And definitely don’t assume that it’ll be like sitting in on an episode of Law & Order. It’s a bit like it, only way longer and with huge periods of nothing interesting happening.
  • Do not hit on the cute blonde sitting down the court pew from you.
  • And while we’re tackling this, do not offer her a drink and try to pick her up. What I learned is that 9 times out of 10 it’s either her dad on trial or their shockingly older, rich, and kind of sleazy-looking husband. (Okay so maybe some of it’s like Law & Order). But, long story short, they don’t like that. They’ll usually get the bailiff to throw you out.
  • Definitely don’t give her your card before finding out her situation. Gangsters are pretty well connected, and they can find their way into your life relatively easily. While we’re on the subject, make sure your car, home, fire, and health insurance are up to date. And ensure you have some way of making of a living with two broken arms.
  • Pee breaks are not allowed, so be careful with those long drinks. Sure – you can leave – but you’ll be stuck outside the courtroom, unable to gain re-entrance, until court is in recess.
  • While stuck outside, waiting to get back in, other gallery spectators are not at all above rummaging through your bags and stealing your cell phone, camera, or long drinks.

It’s my hope that my past failures, crippling injuries, and massive, massive personal loss can one day be used for good. So, if any of you young go-getters out there are looking for solitude in an uncommon place, I urge you to heed my advice when kicking it in court.

Until next time.

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