I’m full of shit. So, recently, I’ve made a conscious decision to fully develop it into a part of my persona. I’m striving to be known as that guy who’s completely full of shit at all times. It’s not easy, it’s taken some hard work, and a lot of work still remains. But, as luck would have it, I find myself eager and willing to share some of my secrets. In just seven easy steps, you too can be just as full of shit as me.
Number one: I’ve finally stopped wasting my time on the Internet. There’s just so much useless information out there. Don’t get me wrong, I still stay connected, but I only use it for the bare essentials: E-mails, Google Maps, commenting anonymously, yet viciously, on coffee blogs, and reading nothing but Pitchfork reviews (to make religion of the expressed opinions) and Dick Morris blogs (likewise).
Number two: I walk around the streets talking like Austin Powers to total strangers.
Number three: Taking a cue from the great Shooter McGavin, I have started to eat pieces of shit for breakfast. Each and every day. You can’t be full of shit unless you fuel up on shit first thing in the morning.
Number five: I no longer, under any circumstances, include the number
four in any list of my own composition. Four is the number of the bourgeoisie.
Number six: I blatantly say things like, ‘I take the lift to my flat’ even when speaking to Canadians and Americans, and then patronize them for giving me shit.
Number seven: I adamantly justify the current existence of the Phoenix Coyotes to everyone I speak with, regardless of their knowledge of or interest in hockey.