This was from like…a lifetime ago. I just really liked the title (the non-kayak portion of the piece was shitty so it’ll never be seen) and wanted an excuse to see it again. Most of this did actually happen so, a few days later, I wrote about it bored before a coffee shop shift:
Tales of the summertime in British Columbia…The Dirty Mile and cheeseburger picnics…Dead dogs on the 99…kayak hit and runs…and run-ins with excess…
I saw a man get run over last week, only it wasn’t by a car. It was by a kayak. Yes friends, while walking down Commercial Drive no more than seven days ago, I saw a grown man, in the middle of an intersection, get hit by a kayak. And this wasn’t some empty, non-relevant intersection either. This was Broadway & Commercial, one of the busiest intersections in the city. For whatever reason, some genius thought that kayaks, unlike canoes, are not required to be tied to the top of one’s car. I can only speculate as to why this was the case – perhaps, and hopefully – drugs were involved. But that’s neither here nor there, simply heresay.
Regardless, the automobile in question was slowing down to stop at a red light. As the driver braked, a red kayak came shooting off the top of his car. It flew down the hood and went screaming into the intersection towards a pleasant looking man who was strolling leisurely through the crosswalk.
Stunned by confusion and choked by surprise, any words of warning remained trapped in our throats. Giving way to the id, we simply stood and watched, curious to see what was going to occur. Sure enough, the kayak rouge unmercifully took out the proverbial chicken crossing the road.
It painfully struck the man tip-to-Achilles, and swept his feet out from under. He went down hard, toppling ass-over-tea kettle onto the hard concrete. Immediately, a crowd gathered around this poor unfortunate soul to see if he was okay.
“Did you see that? Where did it come from? We didn’t even have time to warn you!”
The man just groaned. I believe he may have been concussed.
Since the incident had momentarily stopped traffic in its tracks, it was only a matter of time before the police noticed and came ‘round and to see what the trouble was.
“What happened here?”
“He was hit by a kayak!”
“All right rummy, hit the bricks! Now who can tell me what really happened?”
“No, he really was hit by a kayak.”
“You want me to throw you all in jail for obstructing a police investigation? Someone tell me the truth!”
Always a good time on The Drive.