The Legend of A.C. Nailz

A.C. Nailz. Do you know of any other name that simultaneously elicits so much fear, respect, awe, and wonder? Elvis – maybe! But around here, A.C. has him beat.

What do you mean, “Who is A.C. Nailz?” Where have you been living for the last 3 years?

A.C. Nailz is the baddest motherfucker to ever grace the halls of this place. No lie. He showed up a few years ago, apparently he transferred from California or something. Just rode into school one day on one of those big Chopper cock-rockets, smoking cigarillos, and not giving a fuck.

It’s really important that you don’t call him A.C. Nails. That’s a cardinal sin. There isn’t an ‘S’ at the end of his name. And there isn’t really a ‘Z’ at the end, either. Apparently it’s actually a lightning bolt. Man that guy is fucking cool – I think he knows Slash!

His first order of business here was challenging A.C. Malone for the right to use the name A.C. at this school. On the first day of class, he just walked right up to Malone in the middle of the cafeteria and challenged him to an after-school wrestling match in the gym. Malone was the captain of the team, so he figured he’d totally annihilate Nailz. He was wrong. And that’s why he goes by Adam Malone now. Afterwards, I heard that the coach of the wrestling team asked A.C. to join, and A.C. just gave him the finger and told him to go and fuck himself.

He showed up to Prom that year in a helicopter.

Someone told me that he was the basis for the character of Zach Morris. When he first saw the show, he was furious at how tame they made Zach, sued NBC to take his name off the credits, then egged Brandon Tartikoff’s kids.

One afternoon our old janitor just tore into A.C. for flicking his butts on the ground. And he did this in front of A.C.’s locker while the entire hall watched, no less. Giuseppe disappeared a few days later.

He has two X-Games medals in Motocross.

I’m pretty sure he’s put away every 10 in school. He had a series of tapes come out about a year ago. We call them the “A.C. Nailz Series” since every one of them is titled, “A.C. Nailz…” and than the name of the girl that he’s nailing. My all-time favorite is, “A.C. Nailz Amber”. She was the head cheerleader at the time. Jesus, there must be like twenty of those tapes.

He carries around a switchblade and uses it to shotgun beers at lunch and fix cars after class.

So don’t get caught running around here saying, “Who is A.C. Nailz?” That’s just a license to be considered lame for your entire life, man.

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